Priorities

Priorities.  It's a hard concept to master. And what determines mastery of this cornerstone in life? People have different priorities. Marriage taught me that! A single mom has a different set of priorities than a retired grandma. Who's right?
Priorities are ever changing. Things that were of significant importance to me 10 years ago don't even appear on my radar today. Priorities are also very volatile. A phone call, email, text can instantly change that day's priority list. Sometimes that news can change it for a lifetime.
We moved to California to "slow down" but it seems like there's always so much to do. How do I know I am getting the priority thing done right? I figure this subject gets even trickier when kids come along so I thought it'd be nice to take some time while waiting to see if I can get this straight. So, I turn to the book of Matthew for some advice and Jesus gives me a parable for my questions.
In Matthew chapter 25:14-30 Jesus tells a story of 3 men who are each given talents according to their ability. One guy gets five, one guy gets two, and another guy gets one. I am told that a talent is worth more than a thousand dollars. I usually put these 3 guys in order from the one that got the most to the one that got the least. Usually the story sounds to me like the two guys that had the most did the right thing and the guy with the least did nothing out of fear so he gets it all wrong. However, today I read it a bit differently. One guy got $2,000 and another guy got $1,000. They both got significantly less than the one with $5,000. So what's the difference? They were both entrusted this property by their master (v. 14). They had a choice. What will I do with the talents I've been given. Priorities are choices. What am I going to do with the talents I am given? Will I hide them away out of fear (v. 25- the $1,000 dude) or will I put my talent to work and gain more (v16- the $2,000 dude)?
Priorities don't have to be so tricky. I do not have to fear the day and all that is to be done. How do I know I am getting the priority thing done right? Am I making my talents work for me and my Master? That's the question. Then hopefully I will hear my Master reply:
"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your Master's happiness!" (v. 21)

Give it a rest!

I have heard this phrase many a time in my life. I was a child full of energy and excitement. Fun and adorable at times. Old and obnoxious at other times. During the latter occasions my father would give me his simple advice: "Give it a rest!" That's when I knew I needed to slow down, take a breath, and chill out.

I have been pouring lots of energy and excitement into thinking about making a baby. I never wanted to be that person that become obsessed with ovulation and timing and herbs and teas and concoctions to help my girl parts. I have learned a lot that I have been able to apply to my life that are purposeful outside of conception and I am grateful for that. However, I might be on the path to "Crazy" if I don't watch myself. So I have decided to GIVE IT A REST.

This is not to say I have given up. By no means! I am just deciding to put my energy in my husband and our love for one another; working out and getting in the kind of shape I know a 30 something should be in; cooking and baking-something I've never had time before but am discovering I'm not too bad at; learning how to snowboard-something my husband loves to do and now I can learn to be a part of it; writing; whatever else I decide to do.

 I've decided I am going to work on discovering what really makes me...me. I have spent the last decade working or going to school to begin working. It was a great time in my life but I was doing a lot of "going through the motions" and wasn't able to find a passion for something outside of work. Now's my chance. I'm taking this time to get my baby's mama ready for the big job. I figure the better I am at being me the better I will be for s/he.

So here's to life. Whether creating a new or recreating an old. The Lord is sovereign over all of it.

I heart dictionary.com

Wait-verb used (without object)
to remain inactive or in a state of response, as until something expected happens (often followed by for, till, or until)
also...to look forward to eagerly.

Waiting. It's not always a bad thing. Often times it forces you to stop what you would normally be doing to...breath.
They have been doing construction on our street for the past few weeks. There is actually a sign that says "Expect 20 minute delays." Crazy! This road is the only one that leads from our house to anywhere we want to go. It seems like I never remember they are doing this work so I'm ridiculously surprised every time. However, I have come to really enjoy this time. It gives me a chance to read the word or write a word like I'm doing now (in my journal). I'm actually surprised that my reactions have been consistently positive. I've been spending more time in the word and hearing positive, encouraging things from my peers. Some of it also comes from the new lifestyle I'm living. I don't really HAVE to be anywhere. It's the first time in a long time that I have limited time responsibilities. I am so thankful to the Lord for bringing me to this place in my life.
As I reflect and think about the many time responsibilities that come with having children I send praises of gratitude to the Lord most high for each day like these days to be able to sit and wait gratefully in my car just hanging out with my Papa.

side note---I carry a journal around with me to write these ideas in and it has scripture at the bottom of each page. I am finding the Lord using these pages creatively to confirm the words I am putting on them. Here's what was on the page for this entry:

And therefore will the Lord wait, that He may be gracious unto you and therefore He will be exhaulted, that He may have mercy upon you. -Isaiah 30:18

Thanks Johnny!

If you remain in me and my words remain in you ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
John 15:7-8

I'm asking and believing to bear fruit. Confidence. Trust. Love.

It's great to find these words in my study and see what is being revealed to me. I'm am growing less and less anxious of this process. Even though no one is following this blog yet I am finding it as a release of any stressful attachments that may come from this waiting period. Sometimes you don't need anyone to read it, just a place to release it. Advice for the day: Get it out! Whatever that means for the individual just as long as there's a way to do it without judgment, from others or yourself. The latter is usually the harshest judge of them all.

Pictures of you

As I looked around my parents' house this weekend I noticed a number of pictures of my sister's step-daughter. I caught myself wanting to give them pictures of my child to add to their collection, to share oohs and aaa's with visitors; to adorn their shelves with generational blessings smiling their way each day. Those are the tough moments. But are they tough because of my longing for a child or are they tough for my own egocentric reasons? Showing off "Look what I made!"
I thank the Lord for moments like these when I can stop and test the Spirit for answers to these questions. I know it is not my time yet. The Lord is good and His timing is perfect. I will continue to inquire of the Lord and wait as he continues to bless me in my patience.

Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of the man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him. 1 Corinthians 2:9

Come on ride that train...

One of the things I want to include on this page are some of the things people say that are not intended for harm but are sometimes received as such depending on the mind set of the day. I'm going to try to work through some of them to held build the defense when such "attacks" happen in the future. When I say "attacks" I do not meant the kind that are intentionally made by another individual. I'm talking about the spiritual attacks that often times creep in with simple words or phrases that can threaten to derail us.
Here is one of them:
"Hurry up and catch up with them. (speaking of my friends having babies) They'll forget you as they go down the pipe line."
Is that what we're really afraid of? Everyone's boarding the baby train and leaving us nulliparas behind. Will they remember us when we meet them in the land of children? Everyone's having showers and taking naps and decorating rooms. Are these just stops along the way we're afraid of missing?  I have to check myself to make sure I really am waiting for the baby and not the baby shower.

Anointed and Disappointed

I took this title directly from the pages of the study I'm doing with Priscilla Shirer. Mine as well since it describes how I sometimes feel during this waiting time.
I have started this blog through the prompting of the Spirit reminding me that I am an anointed daughter of the king. I began this journey of blogging my experience in the time leading up to having children with the confidence that I have been chosen to do a good work for the Lord's people. Great. Awesome. Pumped up about that. But....I also need to be honest about all of it. I know the Lord is good and sovereign and wants what's best for his people (Rom. 8:28) but I also know that I have an idea of how things are "supposed" to be and I sometimes find myself disappointed that things haven't turned out exactly as I planned.
I'm not alone.
"I've always wanted children, but the doctor says that I will not be able to. Although I know God can override the doctor's prognosis, I don't know if I can live with my reality in the chance that He chooses not to." -Ebony, 31.
It's no surprise to me that this confession was found in the pages of the study I'm doing or that her age is the same as mine. I have not heard such news from the doctors but this is a fear that lumes in the darkness. What if? Could I handle that? Am I manifesting that by thinking these thoughts? Disappointment. Frustration. Fear. Which one of these are from the Lord? None!
As I read on, my confidence in Him grew. I was reminded to have faith in God's promises despite circumstances. This next statement my seem pretty bold and I will continue to test it against the Spirit but I believe that my husband and I have been chosen and anointed to have children. My man has an incredible fatherly spirit about him and I have always been drawn to children. Because of this I will stand firm on the promise of children. I will continue to pray and walk in this until the beautiful babies come or the Lord reveals a different vision.
The Lord is good and continues to amaze me. The more I tap in the more he reveals. Listen to the words of Priscilla as she speaks of a life removed from what we expected:
"He has anointed you and divinely equipped you to not merely handle it but to thrive in it. He may want to adjust your life and character in smaller assignments to prepare you for the larger ones."
How exciting! I believe my child (or children) is going to do something magnificent for the Lord's people. I am therefore taking this time to prepare a place, both within me and around me, to nurture that and maximize his/her opportunities to grow in his/her anointing.
Lord, help me commit my whole life to you. I don't want to become frustrated or disappointed in the seasons of waiting that you might allow me to go through. Allow my spiritual eyes to clearly see your hand in every aspect of each season. Empower me with patience and faithfulness by your Spirit to do what you have called me to do.

Blogging with Balderdash

I find myself very surprised that I am looking at a screen waiting to receive words to be published on the world wide web. I have decided to start a blog. Well, I should rephrase that. The Lord decided to equip me with what I will need to have a blog. Let's see if I can explain...

For some reason, I have always had the idea that I wanted to write a book. There really isn't anything in my past that would prove me able to do this...I hated English class in high school, I'm the worst speller in the world (I know there's spell check, but I needed another excuse), and I've had plenty of "great ideas" that I began but never finished. Still, the desire remained.

But what do I know? No really, what do I know that I would write about. I'm pretty sure most people who want to write a book have the topic first and the desire second. Not me! I've never really felt like an expert on anything; still don't. Good thing I have the expert of al things as my manager/editor/publisher. I can explain that, too.

I am currently part of a women's Bible study in which we are looking at David. The study and the women I'm studying with are rockin' my face off! I'm learning and seeing some incredible things the Lord has done for so many people and as usual I was sitting back, thinking "Wow! How cool. Look at what those people are able to do. Great." But this time the Lord had something to say back to me. "Hey Kate. It's not about them. It's about Me. I do all that. I want to do that with you." Remember all of those excuses at the beginning of this post? Well, there were many more, mostly involving my insecurities and lack of esteem for myself.  The Lord said, "Perfect! I'll take them."

So here we go....
Nullipara...for now. The word came from a game of Balderdash. For those of you who don't know, Balderdash is a game where one person reads a word and the rest of the players try to come up with the best made-up definition they can so others will believe what they wrote. I was the reader and got this word, nullipara, which means "a woman who has never borne a child." Interesting word for me to get, a 31 year old woman trying to get pregnant in a world full of scare tactics for people in my place in life. I know this because when I first read the definition I thought "Oh no. That's me. I'll never have a child." But after I took a minute to breathe as the others were snickering about their genius definitions I reread what it meant. It said "has never" not "will never." Big difference.

I proudly write this blog as a nullipara...for now. I will be writing about this precious time before I am blessed with children of my own. I will share encouraging words along with the tough times that come with this season of waiting. I am thankful for this day of reflection and love and for each day that follows.  Thanks for joining me on this journey!